| this is it. |
[30 Jun 2009|02:01pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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citizen cope- sideways |
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i want you back. i'm not giving up. you better be ready.
edit: :) you're back.
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| what THE FUCK. |
[28 Jun 2009|08:24pm] |
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mood |
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 ghost. |
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music |
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eyes on fire- blue foundation |
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whats wrong with me? apparently there's no more human life in me anymore. i just wanna curl up in bed again && never leave. if there was a way to just escape this state, i'd be FINE, literally, i'd actually be okay. being stuck in this place for the last 18 years sucks && i hate it. i wanna be alone cause that's all i know. i dunno what the fuck to do anymore, except that i need another job afuckinsap. so much stress && too much fuckin anxiety. i wanna drink more then ever now. my life has changed tremendously from what i've been through in the last 2 years. the one person i've been waiting for this whole time is gone && it's all cause i just HAVE to be alone. i'm just not good with people in general. i mean helloooooo, it's called anti-social, social anxiety, fuckin panic with all these people that surround me with their bullshit. fuck that. i cannot go back to insomniac, waiting to fuckin die & can't wait shit. that shit was stupid. I KNOW THIS. but that doesn't mean i still don't want it to happen. just walk outside & collapse & then there. done. finitooo. i wanna go back to my old ways, but i can't, too dangerous for the people that are actually still there, i couldn't do that to them again. my family? i don't even have anything to about them. i don't even think about them except papa, but that's only cause he's the only one that still genuinely loves me. the only "family" i really think about are my real friends, & they know who they are. i'm glad they haven't left yet. my dad has failed me. he was hope 10 years ago, the kinda shit that you don't want at first cause you know that person will let you down in the end, but then they got married & we were all set. so i thought. he won't even talk to me. i know he doesn't want to. i'm just a dissappointment//fuckup to him. actually nothing is prolly more like it. he GONNA FUCKIN DIE FROM THAT SHIT! but nooooooo, who gives a fuck? so many people, so many choices, nothin to fuckin lose clearly. well, i choose to be livin life as best as i can but godamn its hard. fuck life yo. i mean seriously do we really want someone there for us or is it that if they're just there in your life,& that's just enough?IDONTFUCKINKNOW. all my life i've wanted her back &&then it became different when there was someone there all the time & it was beautiful while it lasted, but then i fuck up that & now i'm back to where i was-alone. karma's gets me good sometimes. i'll tell ya. i wanted to cut so bad the other night. it was such a weird feelin cause i knew why i wanted to do it, but i knew if i did, i wouldn't wanna stop. he doesn't even realize how much he has affected me since i've known him. i love him so fuckin much && i'm not about to go to his funeral before i leave this state. i care too much. too much fuckin compassion. willin to do things for others no matter what. selfish? you bet, doesn't mean it comes with any pleasure, no happiness, no joy, nothing. i fade into nothing. what i'm good at. && leaving. how do go backwards in time? i need to know. && yea summer '05 was it for me. that was my life. THAT was happy, that's who i was.
simplicity is what i thrive for.
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| so. |
[22 Jul 2008|05:05pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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let go- frou frou |
] |
I'm doing fabulous right now. My life is the best cause I have the bestest in my life. i'm engaged and we're going to a court house sometime in december '09, on day it's snowing of course. Two people will be there, but that's all i want and he doesn't care, as long as i'm happy. Chris is his name and he is my angel sent from my grandmother. Everyday i think of how grateful i am to have found him. we have the best life ever and i couldn't ask for anything more. he's my baby and he saved me from myself. he truly is the best guy that any girl could have and ME of all people got him and believe you me, I will never let him go. for the rest of my life i am his and he is mine forever. Chris- you are my heart and i trust you more than anyone, baby, i can't wait to do everything with you. this has been an entry full of happiness.
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| outta breath. |
[08 Feb 2007|12:14am] |
my mind is wandering back to a time i thought was supposed to be surreal. i mean, it was fake wasn't it?? yet i keep having moments where i stop and think and sometimes it can be too much like to where i can hyperventilate. i'll forever wish i had a time machine. i swear. i wanna decide right whether or not i'll be able to handle this or not. can i fake it or will i break again?? it's at the same time isn't it?? that's how it's supposed to go. my mind is so clear right now i actually don't have a million things going on. hearing his voice made me realize that's what it was then. the silence. it's still there. it's so relaxing and calming my brain is shut off. there's no other world. maybe that's what it was. i stayed on the phone too long. the silence built so when i got back to the world- i had a lot to say. i still do. i mean shit, i am pissed. really. it's like there's no emotion for awhile.
i wish so badly man.
you have no fucking idea.
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| hahahahaha...yesssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!! |
[02 Oct 2006|09:47pm] |
hi im mailbox: ryan doesnt like me
LUUUNCHBOXXX: omg are you like having a breakdown?
hi im mailbox: no
LUUUNCHBOXXX: well i mean are you okay?
hi im mailbox: i dont kow
hi im mailbox: know
hi im mailbox: i thought it would be diff
LUUUNCHBOXXX: like how?
hi im mailbox: i just thought he was gonna be diff that the situation would end diff i thought that he would ask me to homecoming and wed go and then hed ask me out and wed go out and everything would go right and we would fight and then make up and it would just be perfect
LUUUNCHBOXXX: dude
LUUUNCHBOXXX: WOW
LUUUNCHBOXXX: just
LUUUNCHBOXXX: WOW
hi im mailbox: what
LUUUNCHBOXXX: just damn
LUUUNCHBOXXX: i can't believe you thought that
hi im mailbox: y
hi im mailbox: y cant u believe that
LUUUNCHBOXXX: i just know
hi im mailbox: y the hell cant u believe i said that
LUUUNCHBOXXX: i can't belive you thought that
hi im mailbox: y cant u believe that
LUUUNCHBOXXX: cause dude
LUUUNCHBOXXX: delusionaaaaaaaaaaaal
LUUUNCHBOXXX: no offense of course
hi im mailbox: fuck u
LUUUNCHBOXXX: yeah i know
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| motherfucker. |
[04 Sep 2006|05:58pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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remember the name- fort minor |
] |
[17:42] loudennupkelli: my stomach is killing me
[17:42] loudennupkelli: i feel like i have to take this mondo shit
[17:42] loudennupkelli: but all i feel is a fart
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: llakds
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: lol
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: seee!!!!
[17:42] loudennupkelli: but the fart feels like is going to explode my uterus
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: this is what i miss!!!!!!!!
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: lol
[17:42] Olearn to swimO: dude!!
[17:43] Olearn to swimO: i hate those!!!
[17:43] loudennupkelli: lol
[17:43] loudennupkelli: ME TOOO
[17:43] loudennupkelli: GOD
[17:43] loudennupkelli: i gotta shit
[17:43] loudennupkelli: but it can't in someone else's house
[17:43] loudennupkelli: unless of course its yours
[17:43] loudennupkelli: because i mean
[17:43] Olearn to swimO: lmao
[17:43] loudennupkelli: we're allowed to blow up eachother's toilets
[17:43] Olearn to swimO: i know right?
[17:43] Olearn to swimO: lmao
[17:44] loudennupkelli: its in the unwritten book of best-friendship
[17:44] loudennupkelli: lol
look fucking familiar??
so last night i figured it all out.
it's cause of randa that there's that little bit left inside of me. from last summer i mean.
she's in fucking north carolina and shit is STILL repeating itself!
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| this is all for lexie.we love surveys. |
[19 Mar 2006|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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sing for the moment-eminem |
] |
Note:i love lexie.
smoked a cigarette
smoked a cigar
made out with a member of the same sex
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
been in a fist fight
snuck out of my parent's house
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
been arrested
made out with a stranger
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend
had a crush on a teacher
been to Europe
skipped school
slept with a co-worker
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your LJ friends
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
thrown up in a bar
purposely set a part of myself on fire
eaten Sushi
been snowboarding
met someone in person from LJ ((no, but i've talked to some on the phone, && I'm planning to meet ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) relapse_again this summer.))
been moshing at a concert
been in an abusive relationship
taken painkillers
</font>love someone or miss someone right now
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped into a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game
been lonely
fallen asleep at work//school
used a fake id
watched the sunset
felt an earthquake
touched a snake
slept beneath the stars
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer//goat
won a contest
ran a red light
been suspended from school
been in a car accident
had braces
felt like an outcast
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
hated the way you look
witnessed a crime
pole danced
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost
been to the opposite side of the country
swam in the ocean
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons//colored pencils//markers
sung karaoke
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't
made prank phone calls
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
caught a snowflake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under a mistletoe
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating
had a wish come true
humped a monkey
worn pearls
jumped off a bridge
screamed penis in class
ate dog//cat food
told a complete stranger you loved them
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
have a little black dress
had a dream that you married someone
glued your hand to something
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
kissed a fish
worn the opposite sexes clothes
been a cheerleader
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
done a one-handed cartwheel
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
stayed up all night
didn’t take a shower for a week
pick and ate an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
are scared to watch scary movies
believe in ghosts
have more than 30 pairs of shoes
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
gone streaking
played ding-dong-ditch
played chicken
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
been told you're hot by a complete stranger
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish then ate it
made porn
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
mooned//flashed someone
had someone moon/flash you
cheated on a test
have a Britney Spears CD
forgotten someone's name
slept naked
French braided someone’s hair
gone skinny dipping in a pool
been threatened to be kicked out of your house
been kicked out your house
Note((con't)):more than you.
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| happy anniversary. |
[14 Feb 2006|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
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music |
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breakfast at tiffany's-matchbox twenty |
] |
i went to go see her today. i talked to her. she really is the only one//thing that i'd be willing to remember forever. that would be okay i mean. to not forget what i already remember. i found out she quit for me. my ma said i have that kind of affect on people. i realized maybe that's why people find me so easy to go to?? i don't really know how that goes together butbut as if they trust me right away oror something. to not do anything at all. and to just be there. with them. for them. she was pregnant and already quit cold turkey. for a life she had no idea about. well then i guess that gets me more pissed off at god. i mean here she stops drinking all for me and then is taken away from me too soon. what kind of affect do i have on people?? who exactly?? how the fuck can i do that?? it's nothing. i can't "affect" people.
53years.damn.nice.
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| Gotta get my own La-z-boy |
[10 Aug 2005|11:18pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Comfortable-Fleming and John |
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So here I am in sunny Florida which surprisingly is cooler then Virginia. Huh?, right? I forgot how much I liked Fleming and John. So Aunt Betty's dying and I'm like whatev, you know? Atleast we can see her right? I mean yeah I get depressed when I see her, but that's just natural for me lately, so really it's not her fault just now when I look at her I gotta think of the good times and stuff right? or really just anything good. I hope she's not in a lotta pain, you know? Like maybe Nonie could just take that from her for now. I wish I had someone here with me like Jami has Chad like cause it's scary being alone more simpler for me, but just seems scary since that's the way Uncle Paul's gonna be soon so that's gonna suck-ass. Maybe she could just get it over with like say her heartfelt good-byes that's gonna make Mom especially cry like a lot or not and just put us through the most unpatient thing in the world for her to not wake-up that one morning. I guess it'll be the same as it was like 8 years ago-Papa calls Mom and says "she's gone" again, god it'll be like exactly the same, jesus. I hate god!
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[12 Jul 2005|01:11pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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music |
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she Floats-Vanessa Carlton |
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( need to mail this )
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[09 Jul 2005|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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i will remember you-sarah mclachlan |
] |
omg ok like these recurring dreams are just plain weird I mean I figure they're supposed to be of this one guy(maybe charlotte studies wicca,even though I think I've been thinking to much about the craft), but noooooooooooo it's gotta be other guys(atleast I know 'em), I mean WHAT THE FUCK!!!
So, officially our(ok well mom's)escapsm plan is arlington or as i like to call d.c. and Delphine is already showing shape so yea(the way pheobe does it)!
I think my escapsm plan should be hazelton, pa. sounds nice and small. hm.
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[06 Jul 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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music |
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MTV Movie Awards-Best Kiss-Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling |
] |
ok I declare(well technically yesterday I did) July 5th "The Notebook" day. Dude you have no idea I was going crazy with the whole "I can't find the clip of the mtv movie awards best kiss!", so I re-downloaded it and then I found and saved all these icons, headers, and yes even a desktop backround that is soo fucking hot like you have no idea. But then coincidentally something else happened later on that also represents the day. So yes there will be a new header, since I don't have a layout, but trust me, it's hot! :)
ok so off to a worser subject, I'm fucking sick so that's juuuuuuust great. I think it might just be like the Jack Daniel's burger and all that shit or I've got buffaloes in my stomach.
oh like my new layout? It's fucking awesome and I got it on there all by myself. I'm so proud! ktastic_icons <-great work! The only thing that's really helping me is the movie awards clip, 50 First Dates(that's over and done with), and Miranda
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[20 May 2005|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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California-Phantom Planet |
] |
remember that "thong bitch"? well i finally showed her when i told her to SHUT THE FUCK UP! cause she- of course-was bitching about another F i got in French, i mean why the hell does she care? so like before she could get 3 words out, i was just like shut the fuck up and she said you need to take a chill pill but then i stopped her and was like i am so sick and tired of your nasty remarks about MY grades so t'hen she didn't say another word and i ignored her the rest of class. i rocked at that shit and actually knew and even acknowledged it. that progress for me anyways.
no one stripped today for nikki's celly on the telly so i think ::cough,cough::amaris::cough,cough:: was disappointed for not getting any "action" on her part anyways.
i actually got to talk with my sis ter and that was a lotta fun- seriously i love her man
i had soo much fun with lee and carol-anne tonight you have no idea. and i saw waaaay too many people there. but now...........what we've all been waiting for(really just me and carol-anne, screw the rest)THE O.C.!
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[28 Apr 2005|08:38pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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possession-sarah mcLachlan |
] |
who hates bush?
i hate bush! ::raises hand::
who hates the fact that the oc isn't airing? ::i hate that the o.c. isn't airing ::raises hand::
i really hope the o.c. does play 2 new epi's next week.
man i'm pissed
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| like whoa... maybe |
[24 Mar 2005|12:45am] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Twilight- Vanessa Carlton |
] |
I'm pretty sure I was stained with a roll
I'll try to learn to say goodbye to yesterday
I'm finally gonna get tested for well.....you know(no not std- yeah right) so yeah I've been having dreams about it lately you know and now it's all around me and tonight i've finally been crying from it so i'm scared but who wouldn't be you know?
I'll try to see the sky a different way
cheesy, but life isn't really short, but i dunno like something i haven't figured it out yet but it's something around there
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| i really cannot stop laughing!!! |
[01 Mar 2005|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 i'm really laughing my ass off |
] |
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music |
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Breathe(2am)-Anna Nalick |
] |
hi im mailbox (10:41:57 PM): i have to take the biggest shit oMG
whinniegrl (10:42:50 PM): lol
whinniegrl (10:42:52 PM): lmao
hi im mailbox (10:45:33 PM): dude that thing like flew outta my ass
hi im mailbox (10:45:48 PM): it like expanded my asshole like 1 inch
whinniegrl (10:45:51 PM): lmao
whinniegrl (10:46:25 PM): was this all just now?
hi im mailbox (10:46:32 PM): lol yeh
whinniegrl (10:46:43 PM): holy shit
whinniegrl (10:51:36 PM): damn
whinniegrl (10:51:42 PM): i can't stop laughing
whinniegrl (10:54:28 PM): dude if you could see me you'd think i'm crazy
whinniegrl (10:54:39 PM): i really can't stop laughing
hi im mailbox (10:54:50 PM): LMAO
whinniegrl (10:55:15 PM): were you really taking a shit?
hi im mailbox (10:55:22 PM): yes
whinniegrl (10:55:32 PM): i can't stop picturing it
whinniegrl (10:55:40 PM): you just pushing it out
whinniegrl (10:55:45 PM): and everything
hi im mailbox (10:56:04 PM): lmfao
hi im mailbox (10:56:04 PM): lmfao
whinniegrl (10:56:47 PM): i can picture your asshole like expanding and inch
whinniegrl (10:56:57 PM): i can't stop laughing
whinniegrl (10:57:03 PM): if i had a webcam
whinniegrl (10:57:08 PM): if only
hi im mailbox (10:57:26 PM): lmfaoooooo
hi im mailbox (10:57:26 PM): LMFAO
you have to admit this is funny. okay maybe just me and carol-anne since were just really that crappy at making a conversation, but perfect at making each other laugh our asses(<- is that right?-WTF?)off.
omg lol man l-o-l
::sigh::
silent laugh hehe
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| Quizzes mania! |
[24 Feb 2005|11:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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weirded out |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Shoot the Moon- Norah Jones |
] |
 | You scored as Wicked. You are born with emerald-green skin, smart, fiery and misunderstood. OR beautiful, ambitious and very popular. Looks aren't everything, ya know - learn to show the real you!
Wicked | | 38% | Cats | | 33% | Hairspray | | 33% | Grease | | 33% | Les Miserables | | 17% | Avenue Q | | 0% | </td>
What MUSICAL are you???
created with QuizFarm.com |
okay just one, but they all sucked. I was looking for picture results.
for some weird reason, it's one of those days where i think about my 2 siblings that i could've had- oi
okay dudes, get ready.................. seth and summer are back on!!!!!!
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was lmao when watching the eppy tonight. it was too funny at the end.
i figure bus rides home are adventurous now.
seth and summer are back on baby!! woo and hoo!
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| yO |
[22 Feb 2005|11:32pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
] |
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music |
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ellen! |
] |
for some weird reason i've been talking in 3rd person lately. hmmm
Big C Dog is an hilarious name for a military man!
carol-anne, how are we gonna survive math class?!
SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
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